Raising children in 2024 feels more complex than ever. Gone are the days when a call to Grandma or a flick through a Gina Ford book provides all the answers. Today’s parents are surrounded by a barrage of information, much of it conflicting, leaving them uncertain about whom to trust (including themselves).

Traditional wisdom feels inadequate in today’s world where societal norms and technology evolve rapidly. Could the primative act of tuning into ourselves and our core beliefs be the answer to better, more confident and focused childcare?

For Singapore expat Rachel McLean, it was a bid to develop her communication style and connect more easily with her children, James, 15, and Jessica, 8, that led her to sign up to a six-week course at her kids’ school, Tanglin Trust, last February. Doing so not only changed her relationship with her kids, but the entire family dynamic and her direction in life.

The advice shared on the course was simple, yet effective. “It encouraged parents to actively engage with their children by listening attentively and validating their feelings, thereby creating an environment where open communication can flourish,” Rachel shares.” In just a few weeks, our family home transformed into a more peaceful, calm, caring, empathetic, respectful and organised environment as a result. It was quite unbelievable.”

Cultivating communication

The course Rachel attended was an introduction to the principles of The Virtues Project (TVP). Originating in Canada in 1991 and practiced in over 100 countries across the globe, the project offers a framework for cultivating communication and deepening connections with others alongside recognising and nurturing the virtues within yourself.

Buoyed by such positive results, Rachel signed up for TVP’s facilitators course and is now a professional guide. “TVP feels like every useful parenting or self-help book I had ever read simplified into just five comprehensive strategies,” she says. “This makes the processes easy to understand, remember and implement.”

Continues Rachel, “Through the course, I discovered that my own personal ‘core virtues’ are idealism, determination, love and curiosity. With these in mind, I could relate TVP principles to creating changes within my family. For it to work, every member needs to try to embody the virtues that are meaningful to you. As the adults, it’s especially important that we role model with words and body language. Our children may not always do what we say, but they usually copy what we do.”

Here she shares the five TVP principles for stronger communication and connection with children.

The 5 Virtues

1. Language Of The Virtues
   You say: “You’re so lazy! This room is a tip. You never put things away.”
   New way: “I can see your commitment to get to the end of the book you’re reading. We have 10 minutes before we leave for swimming, are you going to put your things in your drawers first or hang up your shirts?”If we label our children with negative words, they’ll live up to those labels which can mean they’ll feel shame or guilt. If we spot the good in them, they’ll want to do their best so we notice again. Their self-esteem will be raised. When we speak “the language of the virtues” we’re naming the virtues we see in our children, rather than blaming them.
2. Recognising Teachable Moments
   You say: “You’re always making us late. Can’t you just sit down and get your shoes on!”
   New way: “I can see your enthusiasm for our trip to the park. What do you need to do so that you are ready? You need your shoes on. Show me your independence to sit down and put your shoes on. Are you going to wear your sandals or trainers?”If our children aren’t listening to us, or doing something we don’t like, call them to the virtue that we want to see. For example, if your child is running around instead of getting their shoes on to go out, approach this in a way that will make them feel good and encourage cooperation. In the example above, the child is being called to the virtue of independence and being told exactly how they can achieve it – by sitting down and choosing which shoes to put on. After they’ve done so, use the language of the virtues to acknowledge their efforts. See them swell with pride – they’ll want to do it again next time!
3. Boundary Setting
   If we don’t express what we expect of our children, they won’t know what to aim for or what make us happy. Boundary setting at home models assertiveness and expresses what’s acceptable and what isn’t. As children become teens and adults they’ll encounter situations that push their boundaries and it’s essential they have the tools to say “no”.Perhaps bedtime is like herding cats? Let your child list what they need to do before they go to sleep. They can then take responsibility to tick off the checklist before you read a book together. If screen time is an issue, develop an agreement around usage for the whole household, including yourself. You’ll be surprised how children will remind you to put your phone away, rather than reaching for theirs, if they spot you breaking the rule.
4. Honouring Your Spirit
   Making time for the things we love doing helps us to self-regulate so that we can effectively manage our own emotions, rather than be reactive with others. Take time to think about what you enjoy. A friend of mine goes to a cafe on the way home to sit alone, reflect, breathe, and have a coffee for 20 minutes. This gives her space to detach from the stress of her job and switch into “Mum Mode”. Other ways we can honour our spirit are through meditation, walking, exercise, reading a book, sketching, dancing, listening to music, spending time in nature – anything away from a screen that brings us back to the present.
5. Companioning
   Have you ever noticed that when you speak to a friend about an issue they often jump in with, “Oh yes! That happened to me …” and then the attention is turned onto them. Nurture the skill to sit back and listen. Children don’t always need you to solve their problems but they do need you to listen so that they can work things out for themselves.Use “How…?” and “What…?” questions to help your child get to the root cause of their issue. Bring them out the other side to assist them to problem solve and put their solution into action. What do they need to find within themselves? Perhaps it’s courage to tell a friend that their behaviour is unacceptable; self-discipline to put homework before playing computer games; or flexibility to see an issue from someone else’s point of view.When they find a solution, acknowledge the virtue they’ve demonstrated, such as love for their friend, the maturity to be more self-disciplined, or empathy to step into someone else’s shoes. Being present but remaining detached will improve your ability to remain calm and instill a growth mindset in your children.

For more information on The Virtues Project, contact Rachel McLean on +65 9247 6121